• Just Visiting
• Feature Study: "The Language of Love"
• "To Struggle or Not To Struggle"
  by Mikal Frazier

Just Visiting

Communication will always be a skill that needs to be honed. Like some art it is a "work in progress." The person who learns to use word pictures stands head and shoulders above other communicators. Our feature study involves the use of word pictures.

Mikal addresses a different kind of communication distraction. Too many of us allow the behavior of others to determine how we feel and how we communicate. Mikal draws on the plot of a popular movie to illustrate the need to determine who were are and how we shall respond from within ourselves.

Many of our thoughts for this week's study are an adaptation of a book by Gary Smalley and John Trent, The Language of Love and from insights published in Human Communication by Tubbs and Moss. Smalley and Trent are convinced that most of us have trouble communicating our deepest feelings to those family members who mean the most to us. In The Language of Love, they suggest that we should learn to use word pictures in order to more accurately communicate with our loved ones.

Word pictures are scattered throughout the Bible. Jesus used them frequently when he taught in parables. The prophets often made effective use of word pictures in announcing God's message to his people. One of the most effective Old Testament word pictures came from Nathan, when he told David the story of a little ewe lamb that was cruelly taken from its owner, slaughtered and served at the table of the one who purloined the animal. The purpose of the word picture was to convince David that he had done something similar in his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. You can read the story in II Samuel 12:1-20

A Source: A person who wants to send a message.

Encoding: A way of making the message available.

Signal: The device for transmitting the messages (examples: speaking, writing, telephone, etc.)

Decoding: Receiving the message (listening, reading, seeing pictures, etc).

Destination: The person who receives the message.

In the communication process, we encounter certain difficulties. These include

Filters: Filters are barriers between the source and the destination which limit the reception of the message. Some filters include the limits of vocabulary, different ways of understanding words (semantics), culture, assumptions, biases and prejudices.

Interference: Communication is also hampered by interferences such as, noise (a crying baby for example), non-verbal noise (rattling keys in a pocket, taking glasses on and off, non -erbal sounds), visual interference (twiddling thumbs, failure to look at the person when talking

Technical Interference: Speech impediments, noise from non-human sources (an airplane, buzz on a radio, loud engines, etc.)

I hope that doesn't sound like a lot of technical gibberish to you. Summed up it says that I may have every intention of communicating honestly and openly with you. You may have every intention of honestly and openly receiving what I attempt to communicate, but we both have to overcome certain distractions before communication can take place.

Word pictures have the power to enhance communication in many different relationships including:

1. Areas of marital disagreement.
2. Communication between children and parents.
3. Employer/employee relationships.
4. Relationships in the church.
5. Neighbor relationships.

But where do you find word pictures that fit the purpose? Nathan's story had just the right touch. The man hearing the story had grown up around sheep. He could identify with the word picture immediately. The best story draws on the experience of the person who is to receive the message.

Once I wrote out a word picture for my wife. My purpose was to compliment her for the many ways she expresses her love to me. I'm not a poet like Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I like the romantic writings of Kahil Gribran, but Gibran's style and mine just aren't the same. How could I tell her how much I appreciate the years she has loved me. I began to think about her environment, her tastes, her activities, her likes and dislikes. I finally settled on her love for house plants. Our house looks like an indoor garden. My friends tell me I should be glad because plants give off oxygen. You can be sure of one thing. We'll never lack for oxygen in our house. On the other hand, if we ever disappear from the face of the earth, you might want to check to be sure we haven't be devoured by some strange, exotic man eating plant. As you can probably tell, I'm not quite as enthusiastic about plants as she is.

But I started watching her. She nurtures them with tender, loving care. Sometimes she sets them in the bathtub and sprays them with water. Never mind, if I've been working in the yard and come in hot, dirty and sticky, needing a shower. I can live with the dirt and sweat until her plants have been pampered. She scrutinizes them regularly for signs of disease. She buys plant book and reads up on the stuff that plants like. She feeds them with various potions which she buys at lawn and garden stores at enormous prices. She moves them around to make sure they get just enough, but not too much exposure to the sunlight. She even talks to them. Cross my heart and hope to die. She does!

She's immensely successful with her plant enterprise. She's had one plant for a very long time. Actually it is our son's plant. It was given to him on his third birthday and it's still alive and growing in our house. Our son will be 36 on his next birthday. After watching this phenomenon for twenty five years or so, I finally began to realize that she treats me the same way she treats her plants. She nurtures me, pampers me, and tries to figure out what I like She feeds me, and tries to bring variety to what might otherwise be a dull and colorless life. Now I know you're ahead of. You're wondering if she talks to me. Indeed she does! I wrote my word picture story to her along those lines. Did I communicate my appreciation of her affection? What do you think?

Perhaps you're thinking. "I'm just a plain, meat and potatoes kind of person. I I don't think word pictures will work for me." They're all around you. You hear them every day if you're listening. How many times have you heard the following phrases?

"And the rockets red glare,
Tthe bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there."

"You are the wind beneath my wings."

"You're a sight for sore eyes."

"I'm stuck in a rut"

"I'm as mad as an old wet hen."

"You're pulling my leg."

"He's skinny as a beanpole."

"I feel like I've been mashed flatter than a pancake."

Those are all word pictures.

To develop word picture skills - take notes on life. You will find words pictures in

1. Nature.
2. Everyday objects.
3. Imaginary stories.
4. "Remember When" - stories from the past that affected your life

1. Rehearse the story.
2. Study the other person's interests.
3. Pick a convenient time (the key to making the most effective use of word pictures)
4. Try again when it fails.
5. Milk it for all it's worth, which is what I did with the plant story.

1. They are used to mistreat people.
2. They are used to control people.
3. They become put down and oneupmanship techniques (examples: "You'll always be fourth string." "Your room looks like a pig pen." "If brains were gunpowder, you couldn't blow your nose."
4. When they are used to reinforce self pity. (Example: "When I'm in my grave, you'll be sorry you didn't spend more time with your mother.")

1. When you use them to correct the faults of others and resist word pictures about your own behavior.
2. When you try to convince others that everything is their fault.
3. When you use word pictures for correction only.
4. When you don't respect the feelings of others.

In the opening scenes of Up Close and Personal we see an in-charge lady. Oh sure, Michelle Pfeiffer is anxious with the interview of her dream job at hand, but when it comes to knowing who she is in relation to other people, she has it all together. The tell-tale dialogue occurs as Robert Redford nonchalantly talks to her about her new job and what her responsibilities will be. After giving her a list of rather mundane tasks, he says, "Do you see that Mr. Coffee machine over there? I like it strong." He doesn't even give her the consideration of requesting a cup of coffee. She is expected to read between the lines. The message from him is, "I'm the boss here and you're just one more dame."

This on-target lady remains undaunted. As she goes to retrieve him a cup of coffee with a smile on her face, we realize she has no need to react to his demeaning behavior. In mid- step she remembers studying about an event he had covered at the White House. She excitedly relates the event to him.

Of course Robert Redford's character is into defining the status of this relationship, which is, "Me the boss, the male boss, and you Jane, another dame." He assumes she is looking for some kind of validation from him. Redford would find validating anyone quite threatening. In fact, this guy is driven by fear. Such a move would make the status of their relationship a little more egalitarian.

But this lady exhibits fantastic interpersonal boundaries, because she knows who she is. She does not require validation or affirmation from him as to her identity. She is very capable of self-validation and can receive affirmation in healthy relationships.

His recognition or acknowledgment does not determine any of her responses nor does it determine the status of the relationship. Just because he would like to define her as "Jane, another dame," does not make it so. She chooses not to succumb to such tactics. For him to accomplish such a feat, he needs her cooperation, and she does not give it.

Because she is in no identity crisis, it matters not whether he treats her as the CEO or the cleaning lady. Does she feel driven to go out and burn some delicate article of underclothing? I think not. Does she have to emphatically tell him "no" to misguidedly declare her recovery from "co-dependency?" Absolutely not. Is she diminished by his behavior? Not on your life.

In all of our relationships, even in marriage, we have the choice of whether to cooperate or not with an unhealthy definition of the status of a relationship. The status is determined at the emotional level, not the behavioral level. We are caught in such a "status struggle", more commonly called a "power struggle", when we feel compelled to change the other guy's perspective of us. We can comment on the other's behavior and our feeling, but then leave it. As Benjamin Franklin would say, "It is neither a nickel in my pocket or out of it."

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE STUDY: "Let's Get Rid of 'Put Downs' in the Family"