CONTENTS

• Just Visiting
• Feature Article: "Let's Get Rid of Put Downs in the Family"
• "Marriage Over 1700 Years Ago" - Tertullian of Carthage
• From the E-Mailbag "Is Conflict in Marriage Normal?"
• New Address for Mikal Frazier

Just Visiting

On the other hand, my heart is heavy when I read some of the E-Mail. Even though many of the writers are basically anonymous, I can't bring myself to publish some of the letters I get. I am deeply touched with the hurt that's being felt by families just within the range of the circulation of this modest newsletter.

I become more deeply convinced than ever that we are engaged in a tremendous struggle with Satan and the family has borne the brunt of his fiercest attacks. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a precipice watching families run head long over the edge into destruction. Once in a while, we are able to turn some back the other way and it's most gratifying when that happens, but it's terribly discouraging to watch the pain of families in destruction. Please pray for our families and for this tiny ministry that seeks to stop some of the carnage. Thoughtless "put downs" contribute more toward family breakdown that we realize. When we fall into the habit of adopting the "put down" style, we gradually begin to wear down the human spirit and the end result is devastating.

Sometimes, I feel like it's hard to express myself without running afoul of political correctness. About twenty years ago, some folks in the women's movement asked that we refer to the population as "people." They helped us to understand that "mankind" is gender biased and insensitive to their concerns. For the most part, I was happy to oblige, but it seems to me in more recent times the word police have abandoned all sense of reason. According to columnist John Leo, students at Stanford do not flunk, fail or bomb out on courses. If they cut classes, refuse to write papers and don't show up for the final exam, they receive a grade of NP (no pass). According to Leo, the football team compiled a record of 7 wins, 1 tie and 3 non-wins last season.

While I'm not on a political correctness campaign, I think we could use a little more thoughtfulness in the way we express ourselves in one of the most cherished institutions on the earth - the family. When I listen to the ways we talk about other members of our families in public, I shudder to think what might go on once the doors of our dwelling places are closed.

Put down statements and derogatory name calling are common place communication devices in many contemporary homes. Women loved it when Phyllis Diller named her husband, "Fang." When guys talk to other guys about their wives they think nothing of using labels like "the war department" and "the old battle axe." Humor depends on clever put down remarks in the popular situation comedies on television. I wonder if we think it's supposed to be that way in real life.

Well, I've got news for you. When you're on the receiving end of those cleverly worded barbs, it doesn't feel very good. Worse yet, some think the only way to save face is to return the poison darts. Nobody wins those kinds of games. Everybody loses.

When our children were young, we found ourselves retreating into the habit of saying hurtful things at the dinner table. Sometimes one member of the family felt the need to put another one in his or her place. At other times, the conversation drifted to negative thoughts about others who were outside our family circle. Our daughter read an article about the habit of negative speech and came up with a suggestion for putting a stop to it. She said, "What if someone placed a tape recorder beneath the table and recorded everything we say at the dinner table. Would we want to play it back?" After that, when we started our negative conversations, the first person who had presence of mind enough of do it would simply say, "There's a tape recorder under the table." That put a stop to it.

In the Bible, husbands and wives are instructed to treat one another with consideration and respect (1 Peter 3:7). When other people feel hurt by our witty put downs, we quickly retreat with the excuse, "I didn't mean anything by it." Maybe not. But why did you say it in the first place? Unkind, unthoughtful, unguarded statements produce unnecessary tension and does nothing to promote family harmony.

Beautiful the marriage of Christians; two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice.

They are both servants of the same Master. Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in spirit.

They are two in one flesh, and where there is one flesh, there is also one spirit.

They pray together, they worship together; instructing one another, strengthening one another.

Side by side they visit God's church; side by side, they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations.

They have no secrets from one another, they never bring sorrow to one anothers' hearts.

Unembarrassed they visit the sick and assist the needy. They give alms without anxiety.

Psalms and hymns they sing. Hearing and seeing this, Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace.

Where there are two together, there also He is present and where He is, there evil is not.

ANSWER: Many years ago someone told me. "There are those who say they never have any conflict in marriage. Anybody who tells you that will lie about other things too." That may be a little harsh, but I'm reasonably sure that people who don't have conflicts are not dealing with important aspects of their relationships.

When I counsel with couples prior to marriage, I usually ask them to define marriage. Most of them define marriage in "happily ever after" terms. I try to burst their bubble from the very beginning. After they share their definition, I share mine. It goes something like this. "Marriage is a living arrangement between two hard nosed, cantankerous, self centered, quarrelsome people. We make a commitment before God to live throughout a life time with such a person. Committed married couples work at overcoming their self centeredness, but they are frequently disappointed. Yet, those who really meant it when they said "till death do us part," keep trying again, and again because they dream of building a bond of oneness."

To me that's a very realistic view of marriage. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the entire world, but sometime we drive one another up the wall. My carelessness, negligence and thoughtless frequently provide a source of irriation in our relationship. On the other hand her standards of "the way things ought to be" frustrate me. Do we disagree? Of course we do.

The question is not whether we disagree but how. Do you treat your spouse with respect when you disagree? Do you listen? (Ann would probably like for me to put that one in bold and double the size of the type). Are you considerate of the other person's feelings? Are you consumed with winning the argument? Can you admit your own weakness and failure? Can you point out another person's fault in a gentle manner? (see Galatians 6:1). Can you disagree without making yourself obnoxious? When you're right, can you restrain the temptation to go for the jugular vain? Do you understand the damage you do when you back another person in a corner? Do you ever think about letting your spouse save face? Do you make 'I" statements instead of "you" statements when you disagree. If you make an "I statement" (eg. I appreciate your efforts at meal preparation, but I really didn't care for your new boiled peanut soup recipe), then you recognize the problem could be yours. On the other hand, when you make a you statement (eg. "You are the poorest excuse for a cook, I've ever seen in my life"), then you have attacked the personhood of your spouse. Do you belittle, yell, invoke sarcasm, whine, pout or try to read your spouse's mind in a period of conflict?

It's not whether your fight, but whether you fight fair that makes the difference between a fulfilling marriage and a disappointing one.

NEXT WEEK: Look for our special Christmas edition of AAF