Conflict is a normal part of marriage, but most people have never learned how to handle it.

I. Common methods of conflict resolution.

    A.  Withdrawing.  People often assume that conflict is beyond
          their control, so why should they bother to try?  Why do you think
          marriage counselors generally regard this as the least helpful
          of all the methods?
   B.  Winning.  This approach assumes that you have to come out
         on top in the conflict.  What flaws do you see in this approach
         to conflict resolution?  
   C.   Yielding.  This approach allows someone else to win and can
          be self protective.  Name some of the potential problems that
          could surface as the result of consistent yielding.
   D.   Compromise.  This approach to conflict resolution simply
          involves old fashioned horse trading.  Why does compromise sometimes
          threaten the relationship later on?
   E.   Resolution.  This is the only completely satisfactory
         approach to conflict management.  What are some of the basic requirements
         of conflict resolution?
II.  What are the issues in a marital fight?  Most of the time
     we work with two agendas when we engage in conflict.  One agenda
     is on the table and discussed openly. There is also a hidden agenda
     that is not openly discussed.  It is the failure to recognize
     the hidden agenda that often results in poor communication.

    A.   The open agenda.  What do couples usually fight over?
          1.   Money.
          2.   Time.
          3.   In-laws.
          4.   Friends.
          5.   Sex.
          6.   Roles.
          7.   Tasks.
     B.   The hidden agenda includes:
          1.   Distance.  Of the seven issues listed above, which
                ones are distance issues?  
          2.   Authority.  Which issues fall into the category
                of authority issues? 
          3.   Trust.  Which of the above issues relate to trust?
          4.   Role-Expectations.  What does this mean?  What
                conflicts develop over differing role expectations?  How much
                can a spouse legitimately expect role conformity from the other
                party?

III. Rules for a fair fight.

    A.   Define the issue clearly.
    B.   Be sensitive to timing.  
    C.   Stay on the subject.
    D.   "It is never fair to pull out the slop bucket."
            (Issues from the past that should be forgiven and not brought
            up again)
    E.   Be vulnerable.
    F.   Know when to be serious and when to lighten up (Proverbs
          26:18-19) 
    G.   Be specific and complete.  
    H.   "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving
           each other just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians
           4:32).

"I would like your comments of your search of the Scriptures in reference to what a wife is."

ANSWER

According to Genesis 2:20, Eve was created because "no suitable helper" was found for the man. There's another significant insight in Genesis 2. God said in verse 22, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." From the creation account it is obvious that a wife provides companionship to the husband and becomes involved in a human bonding that is unique to marriage. When the Bible uses the expression "one flesh" in reference to marriage, it includes the sex act, but the oneness is not limited to sex. Oneness involves purpose, attitudes and friendship

Another significant insight into the Biblical discussion of a wife occurs in Proverbs 31. It's too lengthy to include here, but you can read it for yourself. Here a wife is industrious, assertive, caring and honored. Most likely the "worthy woman" of Proverbs 31 is a composite description of an ideal woman and not some actual woman who lived at a given point in time.

According to Ephesians 5:23ff, a woman is expected to submit to her husband. These verses have become extremely unpopular among feminists and others who consider submission to be an archaic concept. However, a home must have a head and the scriptures assign that responsibility to the husband. The role of submission does not suggest that a woman is inferior in any way. It does suggest that she has a different role to play. I'm amazed at the number of men who know the submission verse and do not know what the rest of the context says. In the first place, verse 22 suggests mutual submission. In the second place the text suggest that the husband is to love the wife the way he loves his own body. When he does that he will consider her, honor her and treat her with the utmost dignity and respect. I don't see a "Me Tarzan; you Jane" kind of submission in these verses.

Titus 2:3-5 gives perhaps, the most complete description of what a Christian wife is like to be found anywhere in the scriptures. "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. (NIV)" As you can see, the wife who is working at the tasks described here has an extremely important role to face in society. Sometimes, I hear it said that women can't find fulfillment unless they are able to compete successfully with men in what they do. Last night, I saw a news clip of a female boxing match. For the life of me I can't figure out why a woman would think she would find fulfillment by being knocked senseless. If she can stand behind a good man and encourage him to stand straighter, walk taller, and act more nobly, it seems to me that she would find great fulfillment in so doing

There is one other Biblical passage to be considered when defining the roles and responsibilities of a wife. Peter writes in 1 Peter 3:1-7 "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (NIV) I see great power and great value in living a gentle and quiet life. Husband have the responsibility to honor and respect that. Husbands deserve Godly wives. Children deserve Godly mothers and women deserve the great privilege that come from being Christian wives.

U S. News and World Report says that there's good news and bad news about teenage marriages. The good news is that the number of teen age girls having babies was down quite significantly between 1960 and 1992. It dropped from 156 per 1,000 in 1960 to 112 in 1992. I hardly see how you can call it good news, however. The decline has to be measured against the fact that the number of unwed mothers increased even more sharply. In 1960, only 15 percent of teenage girls who gave birth to children were single. In 1992, that percentage rose to 71 per cent. On top of that ONE THIRD of all teen age pregnancies end in abortion.. (Source "U. S. News and World Report" - December 12, 1995.)

NEXT WEEK'S FEATURE ARTICLE: "Getting a Handle On Time"